Monday, 23rd March

Visited Mum's grave yesterday. It felt like I was finally saying "goodbye". Moving out of home and watching Dad with Amy has (albeit painfully) made me realise how much I need to let go of the past. I'd been spending so much time encouraging Dad to move on that I hadn't realised how much I needed to. And although I regret never having the relationship with Mum that she wanted, in a strange way, I feel like I can begin to talk to her at last. It's peaceful at her grave. No domestic drama. Just me and her.

Lucas is going travelling with Lotus. I was so jealous when he told me! Wanted to go with them. Not sure I'm ready to move in with Tayeska. I don't think I know her well enough, for a start - I haven't even seen her flat! And, if I'm honest, nor am I ready. I'm 22 - what am I doing settling down? Things have changed so much for me recently that I think I need some time and space of my own.

I need to tell her.

Friday, 20th March 2009

It's one thing after another with Dad. As if it weren't enough that he's getting married and selling the house, he's now proposing selling Mum's jewellery to make money. I know his business is in trouble, but how could he be so cold? And anyway, if he's that broke, how can he afford the wedding?

He says I need to accept the past and move on - move on and forget Mum? I can't be a part of it. Lucas might, but not me. I think Dad wants to erase Mum's memory becauase he feels guilty about her death and can't face any more reminders of her, especially now that he he's got witchy Amy by his side.

He's constantly making these snap decisions "for the family", without ever consulting me or Lucas to ask us how we feel. It's a joke. We're not a family. He doesn't even acknowledge us as adults.

Tayeska asked me to move in with her - in front of everyone! She's so amazingly supportive and protective. At the moment, it feels like she's the only one on my side.

Wednesday, 18th March 2009

Lucas ran away. (Hang on, that makes him sound 5.) He hacked into Dad's email account to provide evidence against Marilyn, one of Dad's business associates. I don't know the details, but it was obviously a way of rebelling and getting Dad to notice him. Then he freaked out and left home. But even that didn't knock any sense into Dad. He just sat there, bemused by it all and feeling sorry for himself as usual. Worse, he didn't bother to look for Lucas, but let Amy (his new fiance, they both causally announced) find him.

It's all okay now: Lucas is back and seems to have made things up with Dad. But this Amy woman is still such a mystery. She's wormed her way into our family and is insisting on playing the mother role. I can't explain it, but she has this hypnotic effect on people with her spell-binding eyes. Mabel thinks she's the spirit of Mum reincarnated. I know that's totally ridiculous, but there is something other-worldly about her. Why has this woman come into our lives like this, almost exactly two years after Mum's death and at such a crisis point in our family? Who is she?

Monday, 16th March 2009

I'm SO angry with Dad. He's like a different person - not my Dad at all. Lucas and I were tidying the house for his return home on Sunday, not having heard from him all weekend, and he just strides through the door with this woman on his arm. He barely acknowledges us, walks straight over to the jewellery cabinet, takes out Mum's pearl bracelet and gives it to her - right in front of us! I couldn't believe it, like he were taking the piss in some weird, sick way. I was speechless. And, if I'm honest, jealous. Who is this woman, Amy? He's known her for two days and is acting as though they're married and Mum never existed.

I haven't a clue what's going on with his business any more - or whether he's even selling the house - and I don't care. I just want out. I was actually beginning to feel guilty about leaving him here, but I couldn't give a shit now. When has he ever shown that he cares about me?

Dad left me and Amy alone in the living room. She's seriously scary. Started asking really intrusive, personal questions about me and Tayeska! Weirdo. One day Dad'll regret being with her and realise what he's lost. But it'll be too late. I'm going.

Wednesday, 10th March 2009

I spent the night with Tayeska last night. It felt really exciting and adventurous, especially doing it in our house! It's as though she's waking me up from a big sleep. I'm beginning to feel like my own person again, not just a role within the family household. Me. Exploring who I am or who I might be.

I told Dad about her. I couldn't believe I'd said it, but the words just spilled out of my mouth. No point keeping any more secrets, though. He was surprisingly cool about it - worryingly so. Since I was on a roll, I told him about Lucas and my plan to move out as well. Shit sort of hit the fan. Turns out he was thinking of selling his business so that we could keep the house. Why are Lucas and I always the last to know? I felt torn then: should I stay or should I go now? :) Him offering to give up his job is like him giving up his life for us. But I think it's too late. Even if he did spend more time at home with us, would things actually be any different? It's been two years and he still hasn't talked to me about how I'm coping with Mum's death.

Monday, 9th March 2009

BIG news! Lucas and I are moving to a place of our own! V excited. Long story, but basically he caught me and Tayeska snogging in the living room (the turd - he was supposed to be out), acted like an immature wanker and stormed off. But we later made up and I was kind of surprised about how okay he actually was about Tay. Also surprised at how upset he seemed to be when I proposed moving out. Didn't think he'd agree go come with me, though; he's usually so passive.

I think it'll be really good for both of us - finally flying the nest. It's what I've wanted for ages, but I've always felt chained to this house. Now that we're "downsizing", anyway, it's the ideal time to move on. Dad doesn't seem to care about what's going on with me and Lucas, as long as he's got his life coach. We can be free!!!

Yet to thrash out the small print - and to tell Dad. That'll be the biggest challenge...

Friday, 6th March 2009

Dad dropped a bombshell yesterday. (He certainly chooses his moments.) We're going to have to sell the house and move out. Apparently his business is in crisis. Why didn't he tell us about this before? Why does he have to keep everything secret from us? Lucas and I are adults now! I wish he'd start treating us like grown-ups and stop shouldering everything himself. I mean, is there anything else he hasn't told us about?

I can't actually believe that we'll be leaving this place. This is where we grew up - went to school across the canal. It was Mum's house; her memory lives in here. I can't leave.

I was so angry when he told us - especially with it being the anniversary - that I couldn't help but broach the subject of his other "secret". Okay, not great timing on my part either, I know, but I couldn't let him get away with it. I needed to lash out. I made him tell Lucas about Mum. Typically, Lucas stormed off.

I'm so sick of this dysfunctional family. I just want to run away.

Met Tayeshka on the Heath for a picnic. I really needed to get away and be with somebody new. She kissed me. Never been kissed by a girl before. Well, not "girl" - "woman". It felt different - daring. Dad would kill me if he knew! But I don't know what to do next - should I text her? Call? Feeling tingly thinking about it :).

Wednesday, 4th March 2009

Visited Mum's grave with Dad yesterday. It was really weird. I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to ask him about the accident. I guess it'd been brewing for a while. Right after her death, we were all too shocked to think about the details. Days went by and it didn't seem appropriate to ask Dad. He was too depressed or stuck in his work or whatever - and I had to hold everything together. But I'm fed up of being the glue for our family and I'm fed up of not being able to talk about Mum. No-one's ever really asked me how I feel.

Anyway, we were standing by her grave when I asked him. He said they were at a restaurant and had an argument - too much to drink or something. Dad stormed off ahead on one of the motorbikes that they'd hired, leaving Mum with the bike without lights. I can't believe he left her. All these questions flooded into my head: why were you arguing? Did you deliberately leave her with that bike? How could you abandon her? Were you even with her when she died? I felt so angry and confused and shocked. But as well as that, there was this other part of me that could see the regret in Dad's eyes and just desperately wanted to comfort him, tell him it was okay.

He's asked me not to tell Lucas. I'm not sure I can do that. There have been too many secrets and too much silence. But how would I even begin to explain it to him, when I don't understand it myself?

We've got a new cleaner - she's a total whack job! Can't WAIT to see Lucas's reaction when he meets her.

Tayeska cancelled last night - post-poned to Thursday...

Tuesday, 3rd March 2009

Dad's life coaching seems to be going well. I'm really intrigued about what he talks about with Anthony - what he's saying about us and if he ever talks about Mum. Wish I could be a fly on the wall. I quite fancy trying life coaching myself - no-one's ever really listened to how I've felt since Mum died. No way could I afford £100/hour, though! Maybe Dad will offer...

Lucas is driving me mental. I've gotta leave home. Still dreaming of India, but, realistically, I don't think I can leave until July. Just thinking about it gives me a kind of escapism, though. Can't wait to be off exploring again.

Seeing Tayeska tonight. To be continued...