Visited Mum's grave with Dad yesterday. It was really weird. I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to ask him about the accident. I guess it'd been brewing for a while. Right after her death, we were all too shocked to think about the details. Days went by and it didn't seem appropriate to ask Dad. He was too depressed or stuck in his work or whatever - and I had to hold everything together. But I'm fed up of being the glue for our family and I'm fed up of not being able to talk about Mum. No-one's ever really asked me how I feel.
Anyway, we were standing by her grave when I asked him. He said they were at a restaurant and had an argument - too much to drink or something. Dad stormed off ahead on one of the motorbikes that they'd hired, leaving Mum with the bike without lights. I can't believe he left her. All these questions flooded into my head: why were you arguing? Did you deliberately leave her with that bike? How could you abandon her? Were you even with her when she died? I felt so angry and confused and shocked. But as well as that, there was this other part of me that could see the regret in Dad's eyes and just desperately wanted to comfort him, tell him it was okay.
He's asked me not to tell Lucas. I'm not sure I can do that. There have been too many secrets and too much silence. But how would I even begin to explain it to him, when I don't understand it myself?
We've got a new cleaner - she's a total whack job! Can't WAIT to see Lucas's reaction when he meets her.
Tayeska cancelled last night - post-poned to Thursday...
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